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The Infidelity Car Crash; The Carnage of Infidelity

Photo by Dominika Kwiatkowska on Pexels.com

*Content warning; this is a creative writing piece describing how the first 18 months of recovery felt for me, I’ve used some strong imagery that may be an emotional trigger for others who are on a similar journey. Please proceed with caution.


You’re cruising down a long straight stretch of country road in this car called marriage. 

A familiar road, one you’ve both driven down a thousand times.

Sitting comfortably on 110kmph it’s a smooth open road, there’s no speed limit. 

Singing along to your favourite Spotify playlist, he’s humming in tune with the music.

Something catches his eye he becomes distracted, glancing sideward for a little too long his eyes fix on an object in his peripheral.

By the time he diverts his attention back to where it should be it’s too late. 

Over correcting, the marriage car slams into a tree.

There’s screeching of brakes, your song turns into a scream then a deathly thud, carnage is strewn across the road and into a paddock.

The marriage car is a mangled mess, your bodies lay motionless, barely a pulse. 

Plumes of smoke and dust billow from the wreckage.

Blood is pouring out of gaping wounds, you’ve been pierced by debris.

He’s not bleeding but he’s hurt, badly hurt.

Emergency services arrive and once you’ve been freed from the wreckage you’re both rushed into the ED.

Your condition is critical lapsing in and out of consciousness, suffering substantial injury you’re placed on life support in ICU. 

He’s ok but in a lot of pain, suffering concussion and a broken wrist. His body badly bruised, he’ll recover.

He watches you fighting for life, tubes helping you breathe, buzzers, monitors, Drs & Nurses fussing. 

You’ve lost a lot of blood they’ve stitched the wounds and you’ve stopped hemorrhaging for now.

No one is sure if you’ll make it through.

Sitting beside you, he’s wracked with guilt. 

He did this, if only he kept his eyes on the road, if only he didn’t get distracted, if only….

You wouldn’t be in this mess you wouldn’t be so broken.

Three to six months you’re in this state. 

It’s touch and go. 

He’s still there watching you, wishing he could fix it, wishing he could change the past, wishing he didn’t make such a bad decision, wishing he didn’t look sideways.

He can’t fix or change anything, he can just sit and be there hoping and praying you’ll recover. 

Surprisingly the marriage car is not a complete write off as first thought, it’s gone in for assessment, maybe it can be repaired?

After 6 months of critical care you’re moved to a ward. In the crash you received two broken legs, fractured ribs, punctured lung and broken ankles, crushed pelvis and both eye sockets were broken, your jaw was dislocated.

You were a mess, the recovery road is long, but you’ll make it, we think.

He’s been doing Physio to help himself heal and he’s been there with you.

He still beats himself up that he caused this, but he’s determined to help you heal too.

While you’re in the ward you’re beginning to sit up, you still need help showering and the Physio’s are helping you get out of bed each day. Plasters are off, you’re out of traction. You’ve kind of been wired back together with pins, it feels weird but at least you’re beginning to get sensation back.

For the next twelve months, you undergo intensive physiotherapy and as an outpatient, you’ll continue daily at home.

He picked you up from hospital in the remodelled marriage car.

You were really frightened to get in. Everything flashes before you. 

What if it happens again? 

What if it’s not safe? 

The kids are in the car this time. 

They want you to get in, they want to bring you home. 

Dads been fixing things around the house to make it safe for you too, it looks completely different, way better than before.

He opens the passenger side door for you, you tentatively hop in, he’s in the drivers’ seat.

As he cautiously pulls out of the hospital park, he tells you the panel beaters and mechanics worked hard repairing the mess.

They replaced every damaged component and it’s got a brand-new engine. 

There are even new leather seats. 

It’s a miracle they could make anything of it. 

He thinks the marriage car might even be better than before, you’re not so certain…

He’s still doing Physio, he wishes he could help you with yours, but he can’t, and you can’t help him with his. 

The best thing you can both do is your own work and encourage each other to keep going.

Some days you feel stronger than others.

Some days you get flashbacks of the crash and just want the world to swallow you up.

Some days you just want to die, some days you want to blame him, he did this to you, he caused you to feel so broken. 

You look at him and see the remorse in his face, you see pain and you see love.

You can do this.

After about 18 months you’re walking unaided, slowly and tentatively but look how far you’ve come. 

You run into an old acquaintance they’d heard you’d had a bit of an accident. 

They tell you you’re looking great, you thank them for being kind. 

Although the physical scars are all but healed the internal injuries have still got a way to go. You’re getting there, heading in the right direction, still doing what the Drs have said.

He’s still there too, he’s supported you when you’ve needed, encouraged you.

He’s also invested in assertive driving courses to make certain nothing like this will happen again.

He’s not taking his eyes off the road again.

Blind spot detectors and lane departure warning sensors have been installed.

You’re beginning to think that the marriage car is better than ever and you’re both committed to maintaining it, taking turns in booking services, keeping fuel in the tank and making sure it has regular tune-ups. 

You both want the marriage car to last a lifetime, with care, it will.

Infidelity hurts, really hurts. It’s not just the betrayal or betrayals that pierce you to the core, it’s all of the behaviours which accompany betrayal. The undermining, gaslighting, lies, secrets, sneaking around, deception, losses; an endless list of loss and grief.

There really are no winners in an affair fog, a delusional state of momentary fun, games and selfishness, deceit is a heavy burden to carry.

Beware the lure of greener pastures.

There are mountains to climb and valleys to sit in, no matter which road you take to recovery.

God Bless,

Noni & Dave xxx

Severing Ties

How difficult was it to write our story? Bloody hard…

After decades striving to maintain an image and hide truths, the journey to owning my own story as a cheat, liar and unfaithful husband, has been slow and arduous.

I’d done everything within my power to prevent my brokenness from seeing daylight. Even when the truth finally found its way out, the urge to hide was still ever present. No one wants to be identified as someone who casts unimaginable pain on those they love and vow to protect.

My personal mission to take a lifetime of secrets to my grave was no longer possible once I was faced with losing everything I held dear. The agonising reality of losing my family, once they knew the full truth about me, was fuelled with risk and insurmountable fear. It was a risk I had to take.

Initially sharing the complete and shameful truth with Noni, I stood by, watching as she had to painfully digest and process what was to become our new reality.

The first step completed, my wife stood by me with strength and dignity when she had every right to get up and go.

Before telling our children, and with Noni’s encouragement I told a small handfull of trusted and close friends who could prayerfully support us. 

Each time I disclosed more of myself I discovered, to my surprise, that the world didn’t end. For sure there was pain and disappointment—but it was for a period—and I realised that I could experience forgiveness, even compassion, rather than the fear of rejection I’d courted for years.

Being the broken and contrite person bought me closer to my family than I ever dreamed of and I was able to humbly accept that I was worthy of their love despite all of my failings.

Decades of maintaining a superficial image, and striving to control my environment, acheived nothing more than unwelcome separation and disconnection from the love I desired and longed for. 

This was still miles off writing a book for the world to see.

The prospect of acquaintances or even strangers seeing my life in its ugliness was extremely confronting. Over time I recognised the discomfort and fear were remnants of my wanting to preserve an “admirable façade”. 

An innate desire to preserve an image to people who didn’t know me and were unlikely to ever really know me!

Finally, I realised—I have cared too much, for too long, what people think of me—and this was the crux of letting go. 

Letting go of pride and letting go of shame.

Severing ties with these lying parasites was crucial in allowing me to be vulnerable and honest throughout writing our story. This didn’t happen quickly, but I was determined I would perservere. 

During the process, many pages and hours of work were deleted or binned, as I found I had chosen words too carefully in attempts to soften the harsh truth. Writing the story down has a way of exposing any hidden narrative.

In the same period, I participated in regular meetings with similarly flawed men who were committed to recovering their lives and repairing the damage they had created in their relationships. Their ruthless honesty and bravery emboldened me when I needed it most. 

The similarities in our stories and the universal anguish we each felt, for havoc we had wreaked, gave me the purpose. 

The purpose to share my story as a warning to others, to bring encouragement that there is hope for a much better life, without the shadow of lies. 

The grace and acceptance of a broken me was much more satisfying than striving for the admiration of the false image, an image I struggled to maintain for so long while holding my secrets tight. 

Not one of us is irredeemable, if we surrender ourselves to a safe space. Be brave, be honest, and be real. Remove the shackles of shame in return for freedom and peace.

Dave

Sobering Figures

I recently stumbled across the Sexual Health Australia site while meandering down the research rabbit hole.

According to this organisation, Australias prevalence for extra-marital affairs is that, a whopping 60% of men and 45% of women are willing to report that infidelity has occurred sometime in their marriage. They actually suggest that an accurate figure is more likely that 70% of all marriages will experience an affair.

We don’t need to look too far to see what this means.

Yep, that’s 7 out of 10 marriages in Australia...

According to VentureBeat, Ashley Madison—the Canadian online dating service and social networking service, a site marketed to people who are married or in relationships—added 5.5M new members globally to their site in 2020. This is an average of over 466,000 new sign ups every month, and this occurred during a global pandemic!

I appreciate that monogamy might not be for everyone, an open relationship model is fine, providing a couple are in agreement. (N.B. When I say couple I’m not talking about the ones who are having the affair)

If stepping outside of marriage vows is a consensual decision within the primary relationship then so be it, but how many AM subscribers do you think might have actually checked in with their spouses to see whether they’re on the same page as each other in this regard?

How many would have even considered engaging in any respectful conversation with their “for better or for worse” partner, BEFORE choosing to join?

You know—just as a common courtesy— to see if they’re on board with the idea.

It’s not rocket science right? Seems to me like a decent thing to do when you’re in a committed relationship.

Wouldn’t they respectfully want their partner to have a say in the matter, to make it a shared decision? Witholding of this information susequently denies the faithful spouse the right to make any choice based on what is best for themselves. It is controlling behaviour, preventing another person from voicing their concerns, thoughts or opinion and therefor falls into the category of abuse.

This is where the problem lies.

How many people contemplating an extra marital affair actually have the courage and maturity to openly confide in their loved ones about their inner most thoughts?

No one we’ve spoken to has. Dave didn’t, so how would it have been possible for us to avert the catastrophic fallout of discovery?

Could it be because the one looking for outside validation or pleasure, doesn’t want to acknowledge how this extra marital excitement might destroy their real deal? If they didn’t want their committed relationship to continue, why wouldn’t they just break it off before seeking the pleasure of an illicit affair? This would be far less painful than the gaslighting and lies needed to cover up an affair.

And if they truly saw nothing wrong with signing up for an affair, why keep it all hidden?

Seriously, it’s the deception that does my head in, and not far behind the deception comes the stories an unfaithful partner will use to justify their reasons for why they chose an affair, that list is absolutely endless…

Ashely Madison currently have over 70 Million subscribers; the way I see it is that unless the spouses of their members are fine with their significant others having an extra marital affair, then there is a solid chance that around 70 million people across the globe are being deceived and betrayed by people they love and trust.

That’s a lot of people on the receiving end of cheating and the consequences are astronomically debilitating. Ask any betrayed spouse or couple trying their darndest to heal after infidelity…

Ashley Madison also list Australia as apparently being the fourth country in the world, after Brazil, USA and Canada as having the largest number of members, heck they even list the towns with the most subscribers! 

I’m not judging anyone here but I find these numbers truly staggering and please hear me, I am talking about relationships which are exclusive, believing their intimate attachment to be completely monogomous.

I challenge anyone who says that having an affair improves their marriage, to actually go and ask their betrayed spouse if they feel the same.

Oh that’s right they probably don’t know about it do they…

For everyones sake, please be brave, be honest and have the conversation.

Heal well my friends xxx

We are special and perfect just as we are, nothing that we did or didn’t do caused our partners to cheat. It wouldn’t have mattered if we had been prettier, skinnier, funnier, smarter, richer, taller or any other version of our best selves. Our partners choices were theirs alone, they had other options!

But What About the AP?

Ahhhhh the affair partner, how many colourful names do we have for them?

The dirty rotten pieces of work that they are—damn home-wreckers who set out to destroy our lives!

Are they really?

Here’s my theory, it may not be a popular one and at the risk of setting a cat amongst the pigeons, I’m just going to share what’s true for me…

I’m not saying that I haven’t used harsh words when referring to an affair partner. If you’ve read our book you’ll know that I used some very uncharitable words describing one woman in particular, I hope you hear me out, and please hear my heart.

The way I see it is this—our significant others were accountable for their own actions when they chose to betray us. Sure, they had willing participants, but ultimately, they were responsible for their commitment to the relationship we had/have, marriage or otherwise.

Not one of Dave’s affair partners forced him to do anything that he wasn’t ready to run with in the first place, (heck a few of them probably didn’t even know that that’s what they were to him 🤷‍♀️) His own vulnerabilities, lack of boundaries, little self-awareness and shredded self-worth led him into places he never thought he’d go.

I’ve heard a truckload of statements from the betrayed—she* chased him and pursued him, she wouldn’t take no for an answer, she kept flirting with him, she’s a no-good so & so, it’s her fault. All of this may be true, but in my mind, our partner’s did have a choice. They could choose whether to engage and give in to selfish desires or walk away. They chose themselves over anything or anyone else that mattered at the time.

I’ve been hit on by men and women, (I’m sure you have too) and before I married Dave, willingly involved myself with some (single guys not taken ones). Since being married though, I’ve never once leant towards giving in to the advances of a man nor encouraged continued interest from them in any way shape or form.

It’s really not that hard to point to the wedding ring on your finger, and say “Sorry I’m taken and frankly, I’m just not interested”. Even if the potential tempter or temptress persists, we all have a will of our own; I’m sure none of our spouses had a gun pointed at them when they succumbed to temptation.

And here’s the thing, temptation will always be there, people willing to engage in illicit affairs will always be there.

A truly confident secure person doesn’t let the stroking of an ego prop them up, they don’t need it.

The reason I share all of this is that I fear that too many hurt and betrayed people continue to focus intently on how bad and horrible the affair partner is, even after the affair has long gone.

Name-calling, anger, hurt and rage all have a place in recovery when held in a safe space, but there comes a time when excessive ruminating about the AP can lead to the deep root of bitterness taking hold.

Although cursing the AP is completely justified; there comes a time, when this ceases to be therapeutic and only keeps us cemented, twisted and stuck in an ugly painful place.

I guess I’m trying to say, we all have to mindfully let the other person or persons go—eventually.

It’s our choice…and the question to ask ourselves—does holding on to ill will or contempt towards the other person bring us closer or does it take us further away from the healing we so desperately desire?

A hard heart is the greatest barrier to true love.

The affair partner doesn’t deserve any more of our precious energy or space in our lives than they’ve already stolen from us.

So next time you’re tempted to curse the other woman or man—remember—what you focus on expands.

It’s Easter, this is the most important event in all of history for a believer. Every bit of suffering we endured through the heinous assault of betrayal, the profound agony, Christ took it all to the cross with him. I don’t need to bear this burden and neither do you my friend.

Focus on you, focus on your relationship, don’t let the AP take up any more space in your beautiful soul. You’ll be surprised at how much room this makes for thoughts that serve us so much better.

It’s been said before, “You can’t affair-proof your marriage, you can only affair-proof yourself.”

Be blessed this Easter, give yourself the gift of freedom, love and life!

Noni & Dave xxx

Ephesians 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamour and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

*for the sake of this post I’m keeping it simple and gender-specific, coming from a betrayed wife’s perspective, men are very often betrayed by their partners too.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Wow! Our first review on Amazon—5 flipping STARS!

Eye-opening (reviewed in the United States on March 18, 2021)

“Love is something we do.” “Change creates growth.” These are my two favorite kernels of wisdom from Beyond Betrayal, an eye-opening memoir that imparts precious knowledge about love, long-term relationships, infidelity, and trauma.* The book begins with Noni’s journey from teenage love to the realization that she hasn’t been honest with herself or been living an authentic life. She ends a nine-year relationship and soon thereafter befriends Dave. Noni and Dave’s friendship quickly develops into a romance, and the rest of the memoir chronicles all of the ups and downs of their relationship and the lessons they’ve learned and/or are still learning.

I’m grateful to Noni and Dave for sharing their story so that readers like myself might learn from their struggles. While it might seem obvious that authenticity and honesty are integral to meaningful relationships, their story demonstrates exactly what that means. They don’t have all the answers, but their book is a must-read for one simple reason: it’s guaranteed to make readers think about and reflect on things that matter. The book prompted me to contemplate free will, the importance of coping skills, and the balance between trying to fix an unhealthy relationship and breaking ties.

As an atheist, my least favorite part of Beyond Betrayal was the religious aspect. I didn’t always agree with everything Noni and Dave had to say in that regard, but in truth, their wisdom is applicable to everyone. Though sometimes learned or phrased through religion, their message is ultimately based on love, authenticity, and honesty above all else. I often found that substituting “love” or “self-love” in place of “God” or “my Lord” gave me a way to better grasp their message. In the same way that More Than Two is incredibly valuable for polyamorous and monogamous people alike, Beyond Betrayal is worth reading no matter your religion or lack thereof.

What Are The Odds?

As people of faith, we’ve come to expect the unexpected, and often experience unusual coincidences/situations when we’re on the cusp of doing something that might ruffle a few feathers. So, it came as no surprise when we were faced with a mildly awkward situation on Wednesday.

Our book is ready for release, Dave and I are doing well, we’re readying ourselves for ‘feedback‘—all the while—we’re feeling confident that we are doing the right thing.

Covid 19 brought a lot of change around the world throughout 2020—in Australia, it also gave rise to one female name that has become synonymous as a quintessentially unpleasant person.

‘Karen’ wasn’t a very popular woman in 2020 so it felt fitting that we christen the primary affair partner—Karen. (The reason we call Karen the primary affair partner, is that she was one of the originals from 1993, her attachment with Dave transcended at least 5 years so she was fairly significant)

Anyways, Dave and I are on holiday and on Wednesday afternoon we had just arrived from St Helens on the East Coast of Tasmania into the city of Launceston.

Tasmania is a 3-hour flight from our NSW home; offshore from mainland Aus, and Launceston is a 2-hour drive from St Helens via Derby. (We are a little ways from home, is what I’m trying to say)

The hotel we stayed in was on the edge of the CBD, it is a fairly industrial area with not much in the way of ‘happening’ places within the direct vicinity. Anyhoo, we parked outside the hotel and grabbed our bags to check-in. I walked slightly ahead of Dave towards the hotel entrance. Standing on the corner was a woman talking on her phone, she bore a striking resemblance to—you guessed it—KAREN…

She continued with her phone call, turned toward us and began waving to someone behind as she strode past, thankfully, remaining focused on who she was meeting.

I looked once, twice and three times, confident that it was her. But what were the chances of it really being her? I haven’t laid eyes on Karen since 2003! We were hundreds of kilometres from home. Was I seeing clearly? Did Dave see what I saw? Did he think the same?

Thankful that I had my sunnies on disguising gobsmacking surprise and to an extent hiding my identity. As for Dave, well, through 2 bouts of cancer and now having close-cropped hair, he might look a little different to how she remembers.

We went ahead, I didn’t look back but I was sure…

I waited for Dave to say something, unfortunately he didn’t. I waited and I waited until I could wait no more. I said, “Do you think that woman looked like someone today?”

He was straight on it “Karen. I saw you do a double-take, so I wondered if you thought that too? But then I thought, no she’s way too young, but what a doppelganger eh”.

OK, so as a betrayed wife, this is NOT really what you want your husband to say nor how you want it to unfold but I can accept with grace, the innocence of his response. Because he thought she looked so young he thought it was a good likeness, not actually her. What would have been a better response is for him to share his thoughts before I did, this kind of initiation, letting a partner into your thoughts builds intimacy, withholding for any reason becomes a barrier.

Dave was more like, no it probably wasn’t. I was like, nah I’m not so sure, so I did a little googling. I’m a hairdresser, I notice aesthetic details, so when I found a 2019 photo of Karen, the first thing that was obvious to me was that she had the same haircut as the woman on the street. It had to be her.

But what are the odds? Well, two nights later we were sitting at a craft beer house and outside sat a guy who looked very similar to Damien, a man I worked with several years ago. I send my old workmate, Damo, a message “Are you in Launceston?”. Simultaneously I watch the man outside look at his phone. I wait for a response. “Yes.”

“At St John’s?”

The man outside looks around to check the name of the place he’s at, “Yes”, he looks sideways, we wave and connect, it is Damo! Our small world seems to get smaller by the day.

What are the odds? and

What are the odds that the woman was Karen? I’d say I’m 95% sure.

Does this change anything? Nope, it’s just one of those things…

PS I looked closer than Dave and she was well dressed but she really didn’t look that young, I reckon I’m on the money…

This shite changes overtime but I guess it never really disappears.

Noni xxx

Free eBook Download—48 Hours* Only!

Who doesn’t love a freebie?

Yes, it’s finally here. Dave and I are almost ready to release our Memoir, BEYOND BETRAYAL 28 Years, LIES-DECEIT-INFIDELITY. A story taking 30 years to create and 2 years to write.

As promised you get to read it first with your very own advanced reader copy eBook. This link to the free eBook will be available for 48 hours* only so make sure you jump onboard and download your free copy now.

A paperback edition will be available for purchase in April, RRP $39.95. We have a pre-release offer currently for $24.95 (shipping within Australia only). This price is for pre-ordered books and stock is limited to the first 50 copies.

Thank you for following along, we’re really encouraged by the support we’ve received in sharing our story. It’s been an interesting journey and not without hiccups.

We stood up one more time than we fell and we arrived here…

Noni & Dave xxx

(Please let me know if you experience any problems with downloading, Noni x)

*OFFER EXPIRES MIDNIGHT AESTD WEDNESDAY 10TH MARCH

The Art of Conflict

Dr John Gottman of the Gottman Relationship Institute identifies the greatest predictors of divorce as, “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

These horsemen are, criticism and contempt defensiveness and stonewalling.

Dave and I hit an area of conflict last night and all I will say is that the four horsemen were well and truly going buck! Actually, forget the quad herd and just picture a pack of wild brumbies raging around in a confined space! Yep, we rode the whole cavalry…

Conflict will always be a part of every relationship so it makes perfect sense to learn how to have healthy disagreements.

Thankfully the Gottman Institute have also discovered antidotes to these destructive wranglers and Dave and I quickly reined them in and got right back on track.

Boy oh Boy it sure takes a marathon effort to ascend from disaster to master.

Proverbs 15: A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

XXX

Secrets, Seduction, Silence, Shame

Sssshhh… grab yourself a cuppa and click awaythere’s some good links in this one.

Secrets

Is it bad to keep secrets? What harm could possibly come? Dr John Gottman says “When you’re keeping secrets, you’re hurting your own ability to love”.

Seduction

Seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I’m yours forever.  (anonymous)

Seduction isn’t making someone do what they don’t want to do; seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already.  (Benjamin T. Russell )  

If you find someone attractive, you try to make them find you attractive. That is called seduction. And seduction is a bit ugly. You could say it’s a bit ugly to use your charisma.  (Jonathan King)    

Silence

Your silence will not protect you. (Audre Lorde

“There comes a time when silence is betrayal.” “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” (Martin Luther King)

Shame

Guilt says “I’ve done something bad.” Shame says “I am bad”.

Guilt propels us into making amends or compensation for what we have done.

Shame sends us into a vicious cycle of withdrawal and hiding, often resulting in destructive consequences.

Our choice to recover loudly has not come lightly. This is a difficult journey, particularly for Dave. The courage to share his heart in our memoir is going to be lifechanging for all men and women, whether betrayed or wayward.

Recovery is possible, but first, one has to get real, very real and that requires a brave heart.

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

Noni xxx

What’s in an S?

A couple of weeks ago, following my post Don’t Say a Word, we were going to explore some of the S’s in Ssshh. 

If you’re following our blog, you’ll recall that Dave had some important information he wanted to share, so today I’ll rewind and begin unpacking some of those ‘S‘ words that rattled around in my brain.

There’s likely plenty more but a few that come to my mind are: Self/ish, Secrets, Seduction, Silence, Shame and yes, I’m going to go there… Sin

The reason I place them in the Ssshh category is that none of us really enjoy talking about these human characteristics, and we especially like to sidestep, ‘Sin’. 

So, let’s eat the frog together, and get this bad boy out of the way. 

Modern culture encourages us to—“Do whatever makes you happy”—“If it feels good, do it!” We believe we are masters of our universe and we’re in control of everything. (at least that’s what we, like to tell ourselves)

Oswald Chambers, the Scottish born Evangelist and teacher, had a lot to say about sin. One definition describes sin as being every act of self will or, independence from God.  The bible tells us that we all fit into this category and were born with this nature. It also tells us we don’t have to remain in it.

When Dave made his betrayal choices, he only ever thought of himself—thinking, he’ll never get caught—this assumption allowed him to go and eat the proverbial apple. I don’t believe that any man or woman wakes up one day to intentionally go out and have an affair. The path to get to this place begins with a thought, not an action.

But he did get caught, and the pain was unbearable, for both of us, so why would he do it again? 

Because…in a nutshell, sin feels good—momentarily. 

If it didn’t, we wouldn’t continue doing harmful things to ourselves and others. The bible says that the wages of sin is death; in other words, there is a consequence for every choice we make, it’s an inescapable, universal law. 

I’m no theologian, my faith is extremely simple, but I believe that the Garden of Eden was the birthplace of sin. 

When God crated Adam and Eve, they didn’t have a care in the world, everything was theirs, all except one tree, the tree of knowledge, of good and evil. 

God told Adam not to eat from it because he would die, but he was free to have anything else. 

Adam and Eve were naturalists, no need for clothing, they embraced the freedom of nudity, they knew nothing else. The snake came and told Eve she should eat from the tree, convincing her that she wouldn’t die. The snake told her that the only reason God said not to eat the fruit is that if they did then it would open their eyes and they will be like Him. The fruit looked pretty good to Eve—temptation—so she ate it. Then she gave some to Adam who also ate. Once they did, they saw things differently, and all of a sudden were ashamed of their nakedness, so they covered themselves up. They hid when they heard God walking in the garden. God called out to Adam. Adam came out and told God that they were hiding and afraid because they were naked. God said, “Who told you that you were naked? Did you eat some fruit?”

And this is where the blame and shame game originated.

Adam said, “the woman made me do it.” Eve said “It was the serpent’s fault”

Neither one took responsibility for their actions, and guess what my friends, humanity has been doing the same thing ever since! We cover up our wrongdoing, deny our wrong thinking and blame others to take the heat off us.

Here’s another interesting fact about us humans, we take it upon ourselves to judge sin. We love nothing more than comparing ourselves to others. Placing ourselves on some kind of moral high-ground, measuring out what we think is right or wrong, according to our own standards.

One thing I know for sure is that every time I point my finger at someone else, I have three fingers pointing back at me.

So, we do things we know are wrong because we want to. We think it won’t hurt if no one finds out.

Each time we give in to temptation in order to satisfy our fleshly desires, we open a door to push boundaries further. Testing the waters to see what and how much we can get away with, how far can we go without getting caught. Eventually, our pride will come crashing down, it will be payday for sinful thoughts and actions and it will be painful. We might sit in the pain and shame for a while, feel a bit sore and sorry for ourselves, wait for the unpleasant feelings to subside—and repeat.

The cycle continues until we discover a new way of living.

So whether you believe in the concept of sin, karma, reaping and sowing, we will all experience the very real consequences of wrong being.

It’s unavoidable.

Noni x

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