Christmas Eve 2023 marks the 5th anniversary of my life changing forever in ways I never imagined. At first I could barely breathe let alone believe that I would ever write the following words… To anyone on the receiving end of a partners sh**** choices I pray my ramblings offer a glimmer of hope.
My Manifesto
I am not a betrayed wife; I am a woman whose husband betrayed her by the secrets he kept to hide his shame, destructive choices and problematic sexual behaviours. That was his choice NOT mine. His actions have nothing to do with me and do not define my identity in any way shape or form.
I am not a fool for loving him before I knew about his dark world any more than I’m a fool for loving him now.
He is not and was not a monster… he might have drunk from the cup of misogyny, entitlement, shame, self-loathing, deceit, addiction etc but once he reached the bottom of that cup and there was nothing left for him/of him; he had the choice to fill the cup with something new, something different.
To this point in time, his choice of replenishment is affirming life giving freedom.
I am a kind, caring and compassionate woman, I chose and still choose to believe the best in people—especially those I love.
Once upon a time I trusted blindly as most people in love do, now I have wisdom well earnt through the tough season of betrayal, I can choose to trust if that is what I want to do.
I will use my newfound confidence to discern whether a person is indeed trustworthy and whether they have earned my trust or not.
Yes I will trust but verify first…
I will do so without apology, resentment, fear, or feelings of guilt.
Questioning someone’s word does not mean that I’m skeptical insecure or suspicious, it means that I am honouring self and it is my right to assert myself in this way. I will not waste time wondering or making up stories, I will ask.
It is my responsibility to show up authentically and I accept that I have no control over how others meet me.
If they choose to lie and deceive me, it reflects way more on them than it does me—once discovered I will choose my course of action accordingly.
I am not stupid I am smart and intelligent both emotionally and intellectually.
I am not hard hearted, quite the opposite, I have a tender heart and will show tenderness towards myself and others.
I allow myself to say no without explanation, I have learnt to be still with myself welcoming all feelings and will not judge myself for any unpleasant emotions that emerge.
If someone doesn’t like my boundaries it doesn’t mean that the boundary is wrong. They may need time to adjust, perhaps they benefitted from my lack of clearly defined boundaries. I have come to expect and accept pushback and it’s okay, I won’t compromise when it comes to safety.
I can hold space for joy and grief simultaneously.
I grant myself permission to give expression to these feelings in any way I see fit if it is in accordance with my core values.
I will respect myself in this process and not be concerned with how others perceive my process.
I have learned to pay attention to and honour what my body is telling me, I am aware that sometimes my mind and/or the influence of others may play tricks on me, but my body will never lie.
I have learned to instinctively trust what I’m feeling in my body. I will not ignore the signs. I resist all temptation to—and know that—it is a dangerous exercise to try to paint red flags green.
I am no longer confused by actions and intentions, if there is any doubt I will always believe behaviour over words.
I am as free to leave as I am to stay; I have a choice and I know that I have the clarity and peace of mind to choose well.
I am not weak, I am refined and strong, all the while remaining soft and supple…
I am also incredibly beautiful in so many ways, I don’t say this with arrogance or pride nor do I need to seek validation from others.
Beauty reveals itself in many a varied form and that’s enough for me, I can give thanks in all situations, I practice gratitude and choose to live in peace.
I pray you do too!
U N I Q U E—M A G N I F I C E N T—B E A U T I F U L
I see beauty in YOU!
Noni XXX
Our story Beyond Betrayal 28 Years; Lies-Deceit-Infidelity