It’s been some time since I’ve written and turned up in your inbox so I hope you don’t mind me dropping in unannounced!
I’m not sure why, but this memory came to mind today and I thought it might be worth sharing.
Also, there’s a recent interview we did for The centre for Men and Families as a part of their podcast series, Men Like Me, click to listen if you’re keen. Dave and I are actually facilitating an elective at The Centre for Men and Families “The Gathering” event held this month and we’ll be focusing on the impact of infidelity, the reality of integrity abuse and compulsive entitled sexuality. It will be interesting to see how many men sign up for our topic…wish us well 🥴
Now onto the post…
Some time ago Dave and I watched a movie called Premonition on Netflix. It casts Sandra Bullock and Julian MacMahon, I think it’s from around 2007, an OK movie although nothing terribly riveting. The short of the story is that Sandra (Linda) has a dream that her husband (Jim) dies and is mystified when she realises that he is still alive—the movie swings back and forth between the premonition and reality. “She embarks on a mind bending journey to prevent her grim premonition from becoming a reality.”
These days it seems hard to find movies that don’t contain gratuitous violence and sex scenes, obscene language, betrayal and infidelity. Premonition wasn’t too bad in this sense, if you’re someone who’s been impacted by a partners illicit affairs you’ll be all too familiar with how triggering many movies are. The level of deceit that goes into managing a double life is mind boggling.
I think at the time Dave and were just over 4 years out from D-Day and life was/is good, both active in our respective recovery roles and remaining true to our core values and common goals. We talk A LOT and we talk about everything, we share and listen with genuine curiosity, and utilise compassionate inquiry for one another, we bridge connection.
There is a scene in Premonition where Linda gets the feeling that Jim is going to have an affair, she doesn’t believe that he has acted out on his intention but her gut is telling her that it’s going to happen. Now remember, Linda is trying to prevent any part of her premonition becoming a reality, including the physical affair. Cut to scene—”She faces him but he can’t look at her. Then she performs a small act of supplication: she removes his shoes for him, and the evil spell is broken.” 🤮 “They gaze into each others eyes, he caresses his wife.”
Of course he does…
Well, the next day is the day she believes the accident which ends his life is going to happen.
He is driving and receives a call from the woman he is on his way to meet in a hotel—ALAS, he has changed is mind though and tells her “I can’t” When she asks “can’t do what?” He simply replies “Us” and hangs up. Bravo dude, even though we haven’t addressed you opening the door in the first place!
Oh if only that happened more often…if only the tempted had the chutzpah to press pause and S T O P! Unfortunately most don’t. I wonder whether they have a moment of clarity like Jim though, where they are tormented by their choices and contemplate consequences or do they go in guns blazing to get their dopamine hit? Perhaps there’s a mix of both?
The next morning over our coffee, Dave brought up that scene, interestingly it is not one that triggered me, for him though he just said, “I remember that feeling, it’s sickening and even though none of what I was doing brought peace or joy, I didn’t stop.” “It’s like a thin line that you’re about to cross, all of the pain and gut ache is there but once you cross it there’s no coming back.” “When I watched the guy take that call from the other woman I just wanted to gag” “It’s like you’re on the edge of a cliff and about to step off.”
It was interesting to hear him, not looking for sympathy or anything from me but openly sharing the nauseous sickening sinking feeling reminding him of what he was about to do on so many past occasions. He says that it was not like that every time however the trigger in that scene was enough to remind him of the ugly reality of infidelity.
And yep, it is ugly…
To anyone experiencing the agony of infidelity, go gently, it’s a brutal journey, you don’t have to do it alone. 🙏🏼
If you’re in our part of the world, Australia/NZ please consider joining us for Strong Women Soft Hearts, registrations close on May 21st, all details can be found here.
With Love Noni x