Why do people think that not talking about affairs and the abusive nature of behaviours surrounding them, will somehow make them magically disappear?
The notion of “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” is infuriating.
For me personally decades of secrets and deceit actually hurt more than the affairs themselves!
Secrets will always be revealed in one way or another.
How can anyone expect to be fully loved when they will not let themselves be fully known? And how is anyone able to know their own capacity to love while ever the other person is controlling all access into knowing them? This level of control and manipulation denies both parties the freedom to choose who, and how, they love.
It’s a lose lose situation.
Some of the worst advice from various specialists, friends and family is often, “don’t tell”, “it will only cause more harm” coupled with the belief that withholding the truth is somehow protecting the betrayed person, especially if the affair has ended. “They’ll never find out, so why dig up the past…” or “It might be better to let sleeping dogs lie.”
“Permanent withholding will always be a permanent deficiency in the relationship, an obstacle to the love that could have been.”
Like an Ostrich with it’s head firmly buried in sand, sweeping any secrets and lies under the rug only creates relationship decay that’s often impossible to come back from.
We believe the only way forward in healing is from a platform of truth, setting a new precedence for a new way of relating.
Our book wasn’t an easy one to write and it’s likely not going to be an easy one to read.
It was uncomfortable, confronting and at times painful to recount our history. The written word has a way of making everything seem very clear, however when you’re walking through the valleys and sitting atop the mountains, perception can be massaged to fit the surrounds.
Infidelity abuse, control and trauma are incredibly difficult to speak about especially when it’s your reality. I know our kids would prefer it was someone else doing the talking, they’ve experienced the consequences of our dysfunction too.
We’re willing to put ourselves out there and perhaps clear the air if it means others can breathe freely and move toward a healthier future.
Next week we’ll talk about the S’s in Ssshhh,
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