For anyone new on this journey, my hope is that this post gives you a starting point to find the right support you need and equip you with some tools for the road ahead.
A metaphor of what the first 18 months of recovery felt like
Our journey of recovery and healing began after I called it quits on an abusive marriage. (For 25 years I didn’t even realise that this is what I was in because of the covert nature, cycles and the level of manipulation we experienced)
There had been infidelity in 1994 and some “seemingly” minor offences that were largely swept under the rug with I’m sorry it won’t happen again kind of thing.
We didn’t have any full therapeutic disclosure (I didn’t even know such things existed when all hell broke loose in my world) Truth trickled out as I searched for answers and asked my own set of questions which by all accounts is consistent to what is recommended. (no poly though)
However, I do believe that I am as close to knowing everything as is possible and am satisfied with the level of knowledge I have and apart from an affair child appearing (God forbid) I’m not sure anything else would alter the work needed to recover. Having said that, we have discussed going through the exercise of a FTD for our ongoing learning and to help me in my practice. Dave and I both believe that exploring the materials that we’ve found together has given us a better grasp of what each of us has experienced and understanding both sides of the coin has aided us in our recovery.
When things finally began to come to light in 2019, I had no idea that this compulsive acting out would be considered an addiction, and although it might be on the lower end of the scale, it still fits the category.
Emotional affairs-tick, pornography-tick, sexual affairs-tick, a forgotten one-night stand-tick, dating site-tick, financial infidelity-tick, grooming etc… And then there’s the multi-faceted layers of abuse.
We had one 2-day couples intensive with a social worker, Dave had some individual counselling and I saw a therapist for several sessions early days, the Social Worker specialized in affair recovery and has her own lived experience.
Everything on this list is what we’ve discovered via the internet—these are the ones we recommend and have found to be the most beneficial to our healing. I’m sure you’re probably familiar with many of them so I hope there is something of use, most of the sites either have, groups, podcasts, videos, blogs, programs and some have downloadable worksheets. This list is not exhaustive and I will continue to update as I come across resources that I believe are of value in recovery and relationships.
We practice something each and every day, SELF-CARE & COMPASSION are an essential must for both parties regardless of the state of the marriage. The greater our window of tolerance is the better we can show up for one another and manage stressors!
Before diving into this endurance marathon, I felt that it would be worth both partners having a birds-eye view of the real impact of betrayal so I’ve written the following letters—Dearest Betrayed & Dear Unfaithful, I also wrote Hey Affair Partner if you want to venture there…
Now, read on to access some of the resources we have in our recovery toolkit, there is so much available on each site, and a lot of it doesn’t cost a cent!
Firstly bible Apps on infidelity, shame, trust, identity, pornography, lust etc—prayer
I found the Affair Recovery site in January 2019 ( D-day happened Christmas Eve, basically this is when H got busted, we’d been working toward reconciling!!!) There are literally thousands of great short video blogs for the unfaithful and betrayed. There are paid courses you can do, Emergency Marital Seminar for couples, Hope for Healing for unfaithful (17 weeks) and Harboring Hope for betrayed (13 weeks).
We highly recommend these. The free 7-day online Bootcamp (self-paced) is a wonderful starting place for anyone, either individually or as a couple.
We still sit and watch video blogs regularly out of a desire to learn more (av 10 min) and this opens up for discussion, initially, it was a daily ritual with our morning coffee and prayer. We enjoy listening, learning and sharing with others.
AR was our major go-to; learning and understanding how emotional flooding hijacks our rational brain helped us to explore ways around this. We utilized timeouts and self-regulating techniques to lessen conversation blowouts. This wasn’t always successful though—as you know, once the lid is flipped it is hard to reign it back in.
We learnt the art of making a true apology and gentle start-up.
Gottman method helped tremendously with this. We laminated the 4 horseman of the apocalypse & their antidotes 😉 and kept it on hand for easy access.
We scheduled a weekly check-in together so that we knew there would be opportunity to specifically update each other on how we were doing and use this time to focus on us. I guess we did this so that we could continue with our day-to-day comings and goings knowing that we intentioned some time to debrief, we found this form of “compartmentalization” useful to lessen rumination.
These were our questions
Has there been any flotsam and jetsam over the past week?
Fears/insecurities/doubts
Any niggly bits? Has there been anything that has felt like emotional disconnection/separation?
Have we felt heard and understood?
Have we honoured each other and spoken each other’s love language?
What do we need to improve on this week? How can we improve this week?
How we communicated with each other became and continues to be a very strong focal point, we utilise the Imago Dialogue tools. Perspective has been very important in our healing we’ve become really curious about what’s going on for each other and really seeking to understand how the other person sees things, not necessarily to agree but just to gain that binocular vision.
Values-based communication and boundaries were instrumental in learning how to show up for ourselves and each other.
Most importantly we were/are both committed to doing the work, when we blew it (and there were plenty of times we did—and still do), we cooled our heels, gave ourselves a time-out and then leaned into each other once again to continue on the path to a healthy and loving relationship.
For All
Matthias J Barker (Christian)
Andrew J Bauman (Christian)
Christina Bell (Christina has a whole page of editable worksheets)
Byron Katie (I would say a lean toward New Age, but she has some very good tools)
Your Sobriety Will Make Me Happy a Youtube clip that first drew my attention to Byron’s work.
Compassion Power Steven Stosny
Daring Ventures Dr Jake Porter
Seeking Integrity Robert Weiss
Helping Couples Heal podcast Dr Minwalla Pt 1
Helping Couples Heal podcast Dr Minwalla Pt 2
Helping Couples Heal podcast Dr Minwalla Pt 3
Groups and tools for betrayed women
Brave One Community Dr Sheri Keffer
Wilderness to Wild betrayal trauma survival
Groups and tools for Betrayed Men
Male Partners of Female Sex Addicts
Great Resource here
Healing and Hope After Betrayal
Women recovering from being in an abusive relationship
Confusion to Clarity Now Helena Knowlton
Wilderness to Wild Sarah McDugal
Men who have been abusive
The Overwhelmed Brain Paul Collianni
Compassion Power Steven Stosny
Helping Couples Heal podcast Dr Minwalla Pt 1
Helping Couples Heal podcast Dr Minwalla Pt 2
Helping Couples Heal podcast Dr Minwalla Pt 3
Forums: USE WITH DISCRETION, they can be validating and welcoming but there may be some unhealthy elements and negativity which could undermine progress in recovery and healing, I notice a tendency amongst members to overshare and whilst there is often helpful feedback, the opinions of others are not always healthy
Support Groups for betrayed spouses
APPS
The Tapping Solution App (Emotional Freedom Techniques)
Neurocycle App Dr Caroline Leaf
Grounding and self-regulation techniques—Somatic therapies
Breathwork
5 Things
Bi-lateral stimulation
Evidence Based Tapping
READING
How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
Intimate Deception Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal
Not Just Friends Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity Aftyer Infid
Why Does he Do That Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Out of The Doghouse A Step-by-Step Relationship Saving Guide For Men
I Hear You The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships
Living and Loving After Betrayal How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment
How Not to be an A** Essays on Becoming a Good and Safe Man
The Great Sex Rescue The Lies You’ve Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended
Our Memoir, co-authored, hear both sides of the story, raw & authentic
Beyond Betrayal 28 Years, Lies-Deceit-Infidelity
Recovery Programs & Courses
For the Betrayed
For Couples
Trauma & Sexual Betrayal Dr Kevin Skinner
For the Unfaithful/Addiction/Anger/Avoidant
Compassion Power Steven Stosny
Dr Jake Porter Daring Adventures
Further Betrayal Resources
Dr. Greg Miller:
- Website: www.faithfulandtrue.com
- Email: gmiller@faithfulandtrue.com
- Freebie: The Three Circles PDF. To get the free gift: Go to https://www.faithfulandtrue.com/betrayal-healing-conference
Dan Drake:
- Website: www.banyantherapy.com; KintsugiRecoveryPartners.com
- Email: dan@banyantherapy.com
- Freebie:
- Books: Letters from a Sex Addict: My Life Exposed, Full Disclosure: How to Share the Truth after Sexual Betrayal
Dr. Janice Caudill:
- Website: www.IntensiveHope.com; KintsugiRecoveryPartners.com
- Email: info@IntensiveHope.com
- Freebie: Intimacy Anorexia Q&A with Dr. Janice Caudill: To access the freebie go to https://intensivehope.com/healing/mcr/groups/workshops/ or request to be on the guest list at: info@IntensiveHope.com
- Freebie: Disclosure
Carrie Holladay:
- Website: myhealinghub.com
- Email: carrieholladay@gmail.com
- Freebie: Nervous System Guide. To get the free gift: Go to https://www.myhealinghub.com/nervous-system-downloadable
Michelle Mays:
- Website: www.michellemays.com
- Email: michelle@michellemays.com
- Freebie: Ambivalence Cycle PDF Download the Ambivalence Cycle PDF Here
- Book: The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Has Hurt You the Worst
Dr. Jake Porter:
- Website: http://drjakeporter.com
- Freebie: Boundary Presentation Slides. To access the freebie go to http://daringventures.com/bhcextras and fill out the form. An email will be sent with access to the free gift.
Dr. Piper Grant:
- Website: www.NumiWellness.com
- Email: DrPiper@numiwellness.com
- Freebie: Disclosure and Conversations with Children About Sexual Addition Workbook
Dr. Eddie Capparucci:
- Website: www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com
- Email: edcappa@gmail.com
- Freebie: Why Men Struggle to Love (chapter of book): To receive a chapter of Dr. Capparucci’s book, email him and request it – edcappa@gmail.com
- Books: Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love, When Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots, Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction
Nathaniel Gustafson:
- Website: www.tenderheartedmen.com
- Email: nathaniel@tenderheartedmen.com
- Freebie: How to Make a Great Apology–3 Resources: To access the freebie go to: www.tenderheartedmen.com/great-apology and submit your name and e-mail address. A verification e-mail will be sent. Once you confirm you’ll receive an e-mail with a link to the resources.
Dr. Rob Weiss, LCSW, CSAT:
- Website: www.seekingintegrity.com
- Freebie: List of (many) free resources: To access the freebie go to: https://seekingintegrity.com/resources/
- Books: Out of the Doghouse, Sex Addiction 101, Prodependence: Beyond the Myth of Codependency
Hope Ray:
- Website: www.hoperaytherapy.com
Carol Juergensen Sheets:
- Website: www.sexhelpwithcarolthecoach.com
- Email: carol@carolthecoach.com
- Freebie: Couples Guide to Helping the Relationship Heal: To access the freebie go to: https://sexhelpwithcarolthecoach.com
- Books: Help.Them.Heal: Teaching You Both How to Heal Your Relationship After Sexual Betrayal, Help.Her.Heal: An Empathy Workbook for Sex Addicts to Help Their Partners Heal, Unleasing Your Power: Moving Through the Trauma of Partner Betrayal
Geoff Steurer:
- Website: www.fromcrisistoconnection.com
- Freebie: Access Our Most Popular Betrayal Trauma Episodes:We’ve curated a list of our top episodes on Betrayal Trauma from our podcast, “From Crisis to Connection” and we want to share it with you. We feature guests such as Wendy Maltz, Tammy Gustafson, Jill Manning, Mark Chamberlain, Tammy Hill, Gaelyn Rae Emerson, and Roxanne Kennedy Granata. You can access this free list here: https://www.geoffsteurer.com/online-betrayal-conference-email
- Book: Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity
Brian Germain:
- Website: https://adventurewisdom.com
- Book: Transcending Fear: The Doorway to Freedom
Dr. Barbara Steffens:
Laura Mangin-McDonald:
- Email: lauramanginmcdonald@gmail.com
- Book: The Heart Handbook and How You Think Determines the Course of Your Life
Stacey Sadler:
- Website: www.daringventures.com
- Email: stacey@daringventures.com
- Freebie: Devotions for Betrayed Partners: To access the freebie go to: https://mailchi.mp/staceysadler.com/te8e2lop7y
- Book: Understanding and Loving Your Child As A Single Parent
Leah Hadley:
- Website: www.greatlakesdfs.com
- Freebie: Divorce Checklist:To access the freebie go to: https://www.greatlakesdfs.com/divorce-checklist
- Book: When It’s Just Not Working: A Practical Divorce Guide for Stay-At-Home Moms
Christy Kane:
- Website: https://www.soulworkcounseling.com/
- Email: christy@soulworkcounseling.com
- Freebie: Boundaries Contract/Agreement: To access the freebie download it here.
Dr. Merry Frons:
- Website: merryfrons.com; renewcounselingpllc.com
- Email: merry.frons@gmail.com
- Book: The Trust Solution: A Couples Guide to Healing Intimate Betrayal
Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck:
- Website: https://crystalhollenbeck.com
- Email: Crystal@CrystalHollenbeck.com
- Freebie: Healthy Sexuality Acrostic: To access the freebie download here
Chris & Elizabeth Hardesty:
- Website: www.faithfulandtrue.com
- Email: chardesty@faithfulandtrue.com
- Freebie: Full Disclosure PDF:To access the freebie go to: https://www.faithfulandtrue.com/betrayal-healing-conference
Debbie Laaser:
- Website: www.faithfulandtrue.com
- Email: dlaaser@faithfulandtrue.com
- Freebie: Full Disclosure PDF:To access the freebie go to: https://www.faithfulandtrue.com/betrayal-healing-conference
- Books: From Trauma to Transformation, Shattered Vows, Seven Desires: Looking Past What Separates Us to Learn What Connects Us, A Toolkit for Growth: Practical Recovery Tools for Individuals & Couples
Julie St. Onge:
- Website: https://newenglandcoachingservices.com/
- Email: necoachingservicesllc@gmail.com
- Freebie: Medical Journal:To access the freebie go to: https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1-6BZtfdy1tMqsOuYk6Q3lJgslEVkqn2aZ9wuu1RFqt0/edit#slide=id.g3…
Andrea Rogers:
- Website: www.Fullyalivecoachingllc.com
- Email: Coachandreafac@gmail.com
- Freebie: Discover U Infographic:To access the freebie go to: https://www.fullyalivecoachingllc.com/get-started/p/discover-u-infograph. Use discount code BH23
Roxanne Granata:
- Website: www.roxannekennedygranata.com
- Email: roxanne.granata@gmail.com
- Freebie: Top 45 Powerful Boundary Phrases:To access the freebie go to: https://www.roxannekennedygranata.com/products. Use discount code FREEGIFT22
- Book: Cutting Ties: Healing Betrayal Trauma as the Spouse of an Addict
Marsha Means:
- Website: www.BetrayalTraumatoHealingandJoy.com
- Email: marsha@acircleofjoy.com
- Freebie: Healing Rain Devotional:To access the freebie go to: https://mailchi.mp/acircleofjoy/healing-rain
- Books: Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal, From Betrayal Trauma to Healing & Joy