“You’re lucky it’s only porn” 🤯

This post comes from a place of deep frustration and anger and I’m never sure whether that’s a good reason to hit publish or not but today it’s a yes!

Last week I participated in a support group for men and women, all at varying stages of recovery and healing from their partners infidelity.

One precious lady shared that she was told she was “lucky” because her husband “only” used porn and didn’t get physical or emotional with anyone (as far as she knows…). 

My brain froze and my heart ached as I continued to witness this woman’s anguish. 

Thanks to my brain freeze, I’m unsure whether this comment came from a therapist, friend, family member or another well intentioned but misinformed person. 

What I do believe is that my heartbroken sister felt anything but “lucky” and this insensitive and unnecessary remark minimized the impact of her husbands choices and added to her trauma. 

I continued to process the information and reflect on what I can only imagine she could have been feeling after discovering that her husband of many years had been acting out in his secret sexual life for decades.

This is a little of what I came up with when I thought of how she may have felt; 

Shattered, rejected, devalued, violated, desperate, stupid, foolish, neglected, enraged, sickened, worthless, hopeless, abandoned, isolated, ashamed, alone, dejected, despairing, invalidated, shocked, disrespected, numb, scared, lost, disgusted, debilitated, confused, distraught, depressed, angry, infuriated gutted, empty, surreal and of course, sad beyond words…

And this was all in one breath! 

There’s a lot more that could be added to what she might be feeling but I can assure you, “lucky” is a word that doesn’t make the cut in describing the intense pain and trauma of intimate betrayal. 

If the word has any place in my own journey it might be “lucky” that I didn’t kill or maim anyone in the process… 😐

Perhaps at some time in the future we can all find a speck of gratitude for the atrocities experienced but we get to decide that for ourselves, and right now, for anyone to say that she is “lucky” is downright insulting.

By the same token I also observed in a Facebook group this week a post claiming that in their opinion pornography use is way worse than other form of infidelity. I don’t think we can compare one persons pain to another… infidelity is horrendously excruciating, abusive, destructive, and demoralizing no matter what form it takes.

In closing I’m just so sorry for anyone enduring this kind of lip service. WE SEE YOU, WE HEAR YOU.

Be safe, be you ❤️

Noni xxx