Recovery Resources For Everyone

For anyone new on this journey, my hope is that this post gives you a starting point— steering you in the right direction to finding the support you need and also equipping you with tools for the road ahead.

I’ll begin with a brief outline of our experience…

A metaphor of what the first 18 months of recovery felt like

Our path to recovery and healing began after I called it quits on an abusive marriage. (For 25 years I didn’t even realise that this is what I was in because of the covert nature, cycles and the level of manipulation) 

There had been infidelity in 1994 and some “seemingly” minor offences that were largely swept under the rug with I’m sorry it won’t happen again kind of thing.

We didn’t have any full therapeutic disclosure (I didn’t even know such things existed when all hell broke loose in my world) Truth trickled out as I searched for answers and asked my own set of questions which by all accounts appeared to be consistent with what is recommended. (no poly though)

However, I do believe that I am as close to knowing everything as possible, I’m satisfied with the level of knowledge I have and apart from an affair child appearing I’m not sure anything else would alter the work needed to recover. Having said that, we have discussed going through the exercise of a FTD for our ongoing learning and also to help me in my practice. Dave and I both believe that exploring the materials that we’ve found together has given us a better grasp of what each of us has experienced. It is true that understanding both sides of the coin has aided our recovery. 

When things finally began to come to light in 2019, I had no idea that his compulsive acting out would be considered an addiction, and although it might be on the lower end of the scale, it still fits the category. 

Emotional affairs-tick, pornography-tick, sexual affairs-tick, a forgotten one-night stand-tick, dating site-tick, financial infidelity-tick, grooming etc… And then there’s the multi-faceted layers of Integrity Abuse Disorder.

Our “formal” counselling sessions were minimal, we attended a 2-day intensive with a social worker, Dave had some individual counselling and I saw a trauma therapist for several sessions early days. The Social Worker specialized in affair recovery and has her own lived experience, finding someone who “got it” really made a difference in not having to explain the intensity of this torture. 

Everything on this list is what we’ve discovered via the internet—these are the ones we recommend and have found to be the most beneficial to our healing. You may already be familiar with some of them so I hope there is something of use, most of the sites either have, groups, podcasts, videos, blogs, programs and some have downloadable worksheets. This list is not exhaustive and I will continue to update as I come across resources that I believe are of value in recovery and relationships.

Dave and I practice something each and every day, SELF-CARE & COMPASSION are essential for both parties regardless of the state of the marriage. The greater our window of tolerance is the better we can show up for one another and manage stressors!

Before diving into this endurance marathon, it’s worth both partners having a birds-eye view of the real impact of betrayal so I’ve written the following letters—Dearest Betrayed Dear Unfaithful

Now, read on to access some of the best resources we have in our recovery toolkit, there is so much available on each site, and a lot of it doesn’t cost a cent! 


If you are of faith bible Apps on infidelity, shame, trust, identity, pornography, lust etc—prayer.

I discovered the Affair Recovery community in January 2019 (A significant D-day occurred on Christmas Eve 2018, basically this is when Dave got well and truly busted, there was nowhere left for him to hide! You’ll have to grab our memoir for the full story)

AR literally has thousands of great short video blogs for the unfaithful and betrayed. There are paid courses you can do, Emergency Marital Seminar for couples, Hope for Healing for unfaithful (17 weeks) and Harboring Hope for betrayed (13 weeks). We highly recommend these. The free 7-day online Bootcamp (self-paced) is a wonderful starting place for anyone, either individually or as a couple.

We still sit and watch video blogs regularly out of a desire to learn more (av 10 min) and this opens up for discussion, initially, it was a daily ritual with our morning coffee and prayer. We enjoy listening, learning and sharing with others.

AR was our major go-to; learning and understanding how emotional flooding hijacks our rational brain helped us to explore ways around this. We utilized timeouts and self-regulating techniques to lessen conversation blowouts. This wasn’t always successful though—once the lid is flipped it can be difficult to reign it back in. 

We learnt the art of making a true apology and gentle start-up. 

Gottman method helped tremendously with this.  We laminated the 4 horseman of the apocalypse & their antidotes 😉 and kept it on hand for easy access.

We scheduled a weekly check-in together so that we knew there would be an opportunity to specifically update each other on how we were doing and use this time to focus on us. I guess we did this so that we could continue with our day-to-day comings and goings knowing that we intended some time to debrief, we found this form of “compartmentalization” useful to lessen rumination. 

These were our questions

Has there been any flotsam and jetsam over the past week?

Fears/insecurities/doubts?

Any niggly bits? Has there been anything that has felt like emotional disconnection/separation? 

Have we felt heard and understood? 

Have we honoured each other and spoken each other’s love language?

What do we need to improve on this week? How can we improve this week?  

How we communicated with each other became and continues to be a very strong focal point, we utilise the Imago Dialogue tools. Perspective has been very important in our healing we’ve become really curious about what’s going on for each other and really seek to understand how the other person sees things, not necessarily to agree but just to gain that binocular vision.

Values-based communication and boundaries were instrumental in learning how to show up for ourselves and each other.

Most importantly we were/are both committed to doing the work, when we blew it (and there were plenty of times we did—and still do), we cooled our heels, gave ourselves a time-out and then leaned into each other once again to continue on the path to a healthy and loving relationship. Learning how to make a good repair after the conflict is not easy but it is essential to healing well.

The bottom line in recovering from infidelity is this—no one else can do our healing for us, not our therapist, not our partners, not our friends, families, clergy or gurus. We must each do what we need to do for ourselves but we don’t need to do it alone. Healing happens in community, please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need support.

And the final question on everyone’s lips? “How long will it take to get over this?” Well, friends, I’m not sure getting over it is the goal, rather than getting over it I believe we can get through it and move forward with incredible purpose. Sure, we’ll never forget what has happened, I know that my own healing has allowed me to recall all that has happened, accepting a past I I can not change and dropping the struggle to do so without it having any kind of emotional hold on me. Freedom is possible.

When we are active in recovery, the intensity of the pain changes, moving beyond the pain takes perhaps 18-24months. Dealing with a sexual addiction could take 3-5 years. Everyone’s journey is unique though as is everyone’s recovery. I pray that the links below will validate your experience and illuminate the way forward no matter what stage you find yourself.

Go gently, blessings

Noni & Dave xxx

For All

Dr Doug Weiss—Game Plan App  & Heart To Heart (a lot of good stuff, some may be N/A depending on individual circumstances)

Matthias J Barker (Christian)

Andrew J Bauman  (Christian)

Christina Bell (Christina has a whole page of editable worksheets) 

Byron Katie (I would say a lean toward New Age, but she has some very good tools)

Your Sobriety Will Make Me Happy a Youtube clip that first drew my attention to Byron’s work. 

Compassion Power Steven Stosny

Daring Ventures Dr Jake Porter

Seeking Integrity Robert Weiss

Dr Omar Minwalla

Helping Couples Heal podcast Dr Minwalla Pt 1

Helping Couples Heal podcast Dr Minwalla Pt 2

Helping Couples Heal podcast Dr Minwalla Pt 3

Instagram—https://www.instagram.com/thesecurerelationship/

Groups and tools for betrayed women 

Bloom For Women

Brave One Community Dr Sheri Keffer

Betrayal Trauma Recovery

Great resource here

Helping Couples Heal

Healing and Hope After Betrayal

Women recovering from being in an abusive relationship

Confusion to Clarity Now Helena Knowlton

Betrayal Trauma Recovery

Wilderness to Wild Sarah McDugal

Patrick Weaver Ministries

Men who have been abusive

The Overwhelmed Brain Paul Collianni

Lundy Bancroft

Betrayal Trauma Recovery

Compassion Power Steven Stosny

Dr Omar Minwalla

Helping Couples Heal podcast Dr Minwalla Pt 1

Helping Couples Heal podcast Dr Minwalla Pt 2

Helping Couples Heal podcast Dr Minwalla Pt 3

Forums: USE WITH DISCRETION, they can be validating and welcoming but there may be some unhealthy elements and negativity which could undermine progress in recovery and healing, I notice a tendency amongst members to overshare and whilst there is often helpful feedback, the opinions of others are not always healthy

Support Groups for betrayed spouses

Beyond Affairs Network

APPS

The Tapping Solution App (Emotional Freedom Techniques)

Neurocycle App Dr Caroline Leaf

Calm App

Headspace App

Mindfulness App

Trigger Warnings for Movies

Grounding and self-regulation techniques—Somatic therapies

Breathwork

5 Things

Bi-lateral stimulation

Evidence-Based Tapping

EMDR effective trauma therapy

READING

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

Intimate Deception

Not Just Friends

Why Does he Do That

Out of The Doghouse

I Hear You

Living and Loving After Betrayal

Our Memoir, co-authored, hear both sides of the story, raw & authentic

Beyond Betrayal 28 Years, Lies-Deceit-Infidelity

YouTube

Sheri Keffer

Recovery Programs & Courses

For the Betrayed

Bloom For Women

Harboring Hope

Brave One Community

Betrayal Trauma Recovery

Post Betrayal Transformation

For Couples

Healing Broken Trust

Affair Recovery EMS

Affair Recovery EMS Online

Trauma & Sexual Betrayal Dr Kevin Skinner

For the Unfaithful/Addiction/Anger/Avoidant

Hope For Healing

Be A Better Man

Compassion Power Steven Stosny

Robert Weiss

Doug Weiss

Dr Jake Porter Daring Adventures

Dr Kevin Skinner

General Support Groups for Men

Complete Men


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